The Fool

This will be my very first blog entry honestly I don't know how to really blog but I'm willing to try something that won't kill me as this so if you don't min kindly bare with me. I am not really what you would call one who a noticeable person I am often ignored more often than you think and I don't mind this except sometimes it affects my chances in stuff i want to do.

 I am an art enthusiast though I may not look like it because honestly I look like a thug who is always ready to pounce and fight and often mistaken for a bad guy or sometimes a snob with all honesty I am not though I tend to be full of prejudice but try to reject the idea that runs through my head. My thoughts stuck in my head is an array of chaos it is not really organized my trainer at work told me that my thoughts processes fast and it leaves with being unable to completely express in a complete sentence what I want to say and often spurts out words that tend to be inappropriate or out right stupid. I am always troubled because of my thoughts many people see me as a happy person but as the saying goes "The are two sides of a coin" i may smile always but that's because it scares people or rather worry them so I put a facade of smile and happiness but in truth there are a lot of stuff that haunts me.

I am a FOOL because what i believe will be often regarded by people as mere idealistic rather than realistic I am attracted to the idea that there is always good in people and there is always room for change because i believe that the idea "Change is the Nature of Life". I carry this Idea with me all the time probably the reason why I was able to put up with my college major which is Nursing but really I have no intentions of being a nurse in the beginning it was just some ploy to keep my mom and dad happy while I help people and  get a chance to study abroad and study art I want to be a concept artist like Kazuma Kaneko or an Comic book artist like Greg Capullo, Steve Dikto, Tod Macfarlane and many more but i had to keep up with the pace of nursing so rather i had a hard time improving my skills.

A hero is always what i wanted to be that is why i resort to hero worship to establish an identity that I can always keep sane and be a hope to other like what Superman and Spider-Man is despite all that may come or problems that may come their way but with all honesty I AM ALWAYS AFRAID! Though it doesn't stop me from being trusting with people sad is sometimes I feel betrayed but lately it hasn't happened which is good but I have been left before people might not get it since I don't rally tell them that rather I distract them with trivia's jokes and my happy antics which often makes me feel like I am a liar. I keep smiling no matter what and tell people you can endure anything if you just keep smiling and change your view on stuff yes it does work for me but not all the time specially when I get my heart broken not just by people I am romantically inclined with but also with people I trust which is might also be the reason why I never want to fail anyone even to an extent where in it can cause me devastation or even left me to state of nothingness. Sometimes i feel like a hypocrite because of things I tell people but rather than doing nothing I try to cheer them up with words I have learned through the years that I use to say to myself.

I am a fool simply because I would put other peoples happiness before me it can be seen in the way I act and often present myself to help all the time. My mindset is that if a can make people happy I can be happy but at the end of the day it leads to what I want and sometimes my decisions disappoint me like why couldn't I just bear with it I'd rather see other people than see myself happy why can't it just go that way. I mean why can't I just be happy when other people happy but sometimes I think myself as fake thinking like. You will notice that there are a lot "I"s in this blog which often makes me think I'm just a selfish person trying to convince myself that doing the right thing to do is the way to be happy rather it could just be to satisfy some kind of narcissistic hero images. 

I am a fool because I like to always blame myself for everything because one thing I don'y really like blaming other people cause that's just some poor excuse to not be responsible for the problem at hand, second is I was there I could have done something instead I just stood there, and last cause maybe somewhere in my heart I have difficulty in trusting others or maybe I take it so that others won't. I like to bare the problems in the world in me thinking that I CAN HANDLE THIS! but really more often than not it overwhelm me and like said before I tend to get my hero idealism that I can uphold this with my morality and sanity still intact.

In reality I am not always like this and this is what I am scared of the most like I said that everyone has two sides like a coin the other side could be cold, uncaring, and selfish which is one thing I never want to be but sometimes I cant help but be this person it sends me spiral of depression and this happens more often than people think since most of the time I just smile nod and laugh.

I've always wanted to tell people this but I am to scared of how they will react towards this my personas helps me compensate in dealing with this world cause when it comes down to all I CAN'T TAKE REJECTION really and it will torment me and haunt me over and over and maybe because of the reason i tend to be over emotional but that is for another story. All in all I am a person that is an open book but with many hidden chapters in my life and I hide it with smiles and cheerfulness sometimes even beer won't make me speak about this stuff. I guess that's all for today It sounds kinda winy but really sometimes It tends to be Don't even get me started with my inferiority complex and my temper. Sometimes I can't manage my personality its often in shambles and it conflicts with one another but I guess because I tend to be a fool but like the fool I think I can be something in the end but the hard part is the negativity that comes with it.