So yeah Just a day ago something happened to me that normally would rattle me. I was surprised I wasn't that much devastated like I predicted I was actually kind of "okay". If you I could define okay in my standard would be I wasn't mutilating myself which I usually do when I am like this but instead I was just thinking the entire day about work and stuff. I got to thinking maybe I should start a change myself maybe distant myself from familiar people get out of my comfort zone get motivated a bit more than usual. I can tell SHE was a very positive influence a bit for me the thought of her wanted a change in me a bit of improvement cause I don't really see much good if I stay like the way I was. Right now instead of just moping around, slashing myself, or cry and complain I manage to work out harder and work harder I manage to pass my last accreditation and I am graduating from my training at the very least something good came out of it.
Right now I don't know I still think about her every time but somehow I try not too since It might trigger something in me like a breakdown which history proves to be a thing with me. I try to deny it with people asking me how it went I just tell them I got it and I have no planning on texting her which I guess would be the right thing to do so that not to worsen things. I tried coping with it by drawing on the glass board we had at the training room it was filled with ballet dancers and swans with the idea coming from Black Swan where Natalie Portman and Mila Kunis were the lead characters*great movie to watch*. I acted like I usually would with people they didn't seem to notice something was on my mind though it was some what bothering me but not much that it would disrupt my trail of thoughts and sequence of actions.
I really miss her though but she was right I was crossing the line maybe by her standards I mean she is a much delicate person compared to most of the people I know and is used to. I have to rethink what I should do if should progress or stop but it looks like she wants me to stop me on the other hand not quite so I hvae no idea where this will lead to. I try fighting all my entire being not to open my web browser typing in her Blog URL cause she wouldn't want that then again who I am to say that it would be prejudice on my part.
Maybe I should sleep now I still have work tomorrow and I should lessen my habit of staring into the wall it scares people.
Activities right now:
Watching Sgt. Keroro
Studying Kazuma Kaneko's Demonic and Spirit Art Style
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