Long time no Blog PAARTUUHHH 2!!!!

Okay.. so again I was not able to blog about anything lately I have been cramming every series I promised I would watch and apparently it isn't very healthy. This past month I have done nothing but be a bum ever since I quite my Job all I did was watch Gintama, watch US series, read manga, read comics, eat, sleep, and look for training for pre employment requirements. It is amazing I manage to gain all the weight I lost that is how unmotivated my life right now is all I do is the same routine over and over again. I do sometimes study the folk lore and legends of multiple cultures but only if i stopped being lazy for a moment and decide to do something other than that nothing I do absolutely nothing the sad part is I don't even get enough rest. I don't know whats wrong with me I lost all motivation but I guess I can't complain that just how life goes I manage to ask mom about a new Gaming PC though she said yes so I'm happy about it I might get it in a few months or so but still gotta keep my fingers crossed.

So yeah  have no source of income now no savings since mom asked for my money and I don't think she has any plan of paying me back but what would I expect normally she disappoints me but I am used to it. I just want to move on with my life get all the training I need and be the best whatever I can be... be? doesn't if you know what I mean. I also stopped playing guild wars since the FUCKING LAG keeps getting me killed and the laptop which s owned by my brother is occupied by none other than my brother who apparently is very busy right now. Right now I don't know My room is being used by a Priest who is our guest for a few days so I haven't been using my room which is sad cause its my room. The Good thing though is I manage to find someone who sell SHIN MEGAMI TENSEI games so I am happy for that and I have more time to draw which sometimes bothers me because I'm not consistent in practice and what comes out is shit but no one gets to be Da Vinci in a Day so patience patience.. I gotta lay off FB...

Buy for now.. I want to say this not to any one it just came out of my mouth spontaneously I HATE EVERYONE!

Style and Clothing!

Lately I've been trying new styles of clothing for my self to try and improve what I already have I guess for a new and edgier me. It was fun trying out new stuff and they said it fit me so next was I tried to look the part well my body that is I worked out and stuff I lost the wait but gained a few again but i guess its okay I'll try and lose it again. so yeah this is the Blog I'm following right now when it comes to clothes
http://www.robbieoffduty.com/

You should check him out his street fashion is cool and looks good though some aren't really applicable to me i try to get what I need and I guess this is my way of giving credit :)

Post Long Due...

I haven't posted anything lately because of my hectic schedule haha really I just didn't feel like posting anything since I felt tired the entire week trying to keep up with my work schedule which is from 5pm to 2am and it really takes a toll on your body and Immunity and takes the motivation out of you but I have been happy with my daily life. The days really have been very draining for me since I get home really late and I still have to talk to someone when I get home so I sleep around 3:30am and I wake up around 10:30am so yeah I had my body clock mixed up. My diet as well has been poor since I stopped eating vegetables again and I eat less.

Most of my time has also been alotted for playing Torchlight II whch is an addicting dungeon crawler, Diablo III and Guild Wars 2. I don't even have time for facebok no more I just log-in check then Log out I dont even bother reading some of the blogs I follow anymore I have reverted back to my old ways playing and texting. A great part of my days as well is my cellphone I have been texting non-stop for the past 2 weeks of my life it has become more of an daily since I have to make contact with a lot of people and get in touch with to keep myself intouch with the happening outside work and the life of  people I owe money.While this was going on I have gained a new responsibilty of going to school on a schedule atleast thrice a week for a lunch to accompany a special someone.

So yeah I decided to post today since I felt like haven't posted anything since forever. I felt guilty for leaving blog empty like some toy I got tired of playing with. But I will post A lot more during the weekend since I will get my salary so that can only mean new adventures for me for a week then I'm bankrupt again haha! so yeah I a have fun weekend planned again all regarding food since my last salary all went into clothes and dating.. Btw Thanks to Lyza for reminding that I tsill have a blog haha

I found something a midst of my stormy life..

In the midst of my storms i found something I thought I wouldn't find at first i thought I was only being with it so that I could be sheltered from the raging winds of my stormy life. It was just a simple conversation that escalated quickly I guess she was blessing the calm after the storm and I think I will keep her even forever and I consider my lifetime with her a possibility even in a short while.

She makes me Happy...

I had a happy day! :D

 I guess my days will be brighter again.. :)

And with that we Move on...

I have my Guild Wars 2 already I bought new clothes and new shoes for myself and now I am officially an R.N. I can get my PRC ID by September and with all of that I can say I am not genuinely happy. Surprising really I mean I worked hard for all of those things but no I am not that happy I mean what you would say genuine like that when you wake up in the morning you can smile, you can be inspired always energized like I used too.

I guess I've been curled up in my thoughts trying to keep out my feelings from exploding out because I haven't really much given time for it I drowned myself in things to keep me preoccupied. I haven't really enjoyed anything since that day its been only a few weeks but it seemed like forever. I never bothered cause I thought it was okay but it ate me slowly inside I still think of her though like I wonder how she is doing because I haven't really tried to get in touch of her even look at her facebook.

Its not really her its more of a me problem I guess I cling to much on the idea that I could be with her but i went and messed it up. I guess I have to move on if I want to be happy again but It's not an easy but I have to I mean it won't kill me but it would seem like I'm being dishonest with myself but its would be the right thing to do. I'd rather lose a chance to be with her than totally lose her. In a sense its totally lost she probably hates me... hahaha She has the right too....

and with that.. moving on....

Blogging at work

I have been very busy this past days with all the stuff that has been going on in my life lately. I have so much to talk about I don't know where to start. This week has been crazy I want to really flip over I have no Idea what to do so I just went with the ride, I had a fight with mom, went crazy over board, drank, partied, and try to forget this growing pain in my chest and lately i have been developing symptoms maybe it has something to do with the stuff I have been doing I don't know trying to kill my thoughts I guess.

I felt so haunted with stuff with this past week I jus want to shut down and die at some point like today I woke up tired not wanting to go to work and looking at the ceiling telling myself over and over again "DIE!" but really I could never bring myself to pull the switch to send myself to death's sweet embrace I have to much in life to throw it away I mean i'm not into taking the easy way out. Well its a good thing I was able to access my blog here in the office even with its unrelenting firewalls and restrictions. I just want to scream right now and punch something something I have been wanting the entire week yet I act as if nothing is wrong even though my head is going through hell. I have been doing things I am not very proud of but what can I say I am not myself lately.

I can't DL torrents for some reason

For some reason I can't DL torrents when I actually need to download something I can't Download I need to distract myself...

I miss her...

Yes, I admit I really do miss her very much and I mean you have no idea it's just I'm trying to give her space it's almost been a week since I last saw her. I mean yes I know its only been a week but I mean we haven't talked about anything then again there is nothing to talk about she is right I am like a creepy stalker if you look at it at some points but I didn't really mean it that way. I just want to clear stuff with her but no I haven't even looked at her Blog or anything I'm very scared that she is mad at me. I think she is right I think I'm obsessed with her I just don't know. I don't like this then again she has every right I have no one to blame but myself.

Shit lang...

I have this nagging feeling of something is a miss... I don't know I distant myself from people so far so good i haven't really left my room in a while unless i have to but after that I go back inside my room and stare at the wall or draw. It may sound boring but that's what gets me through my day of isolation it's a great think i have this as an outlet so basically I don't need to talk to people much now but yeah it gets pretty lonely. This strange feeling that's been growing inside me is starting to be a pest even if I drown myself entirely in developing concepts for my character creations and stuff that preoccupies me still it manages to get to me. I mean is this all the hurt I've been accumulating lately since I've been trying to ignore it. I have no Idea what to do again it really bothers the hell out of me. GAAAH! Why is her face popping in my head all of the time it seems like everything I try is an utter failure I guess I have to keep pumping my head with weird stuff to get her off my thoughts. I'm buying Guild wars 2 and a lot of games and clothes so that it can take me off of this trail of thought of her cause honestly it's starting to sting..

Guild Wars 2

So yes I am excited Guild Wars 2 has been released and it has been getting good reviews so I am excited I plan on getting back to the MMORPG community for a while now. I have been pumped for the release of this game the only problem is I need a gaming laptop for that and apparently my brother is the one who has it so yeah since he will be back here by September 19 I guess I can borrow his. So yeah basically guild wars 2 welcomes us back to the world of Tyria with new weapons and let us utilize new races. Its a buy to play game it means when you buy it its already free 2 play so I plan on buying it on my next payday which will be this Thursday! wuhoooo! Its a beautiful game with great character creation options and I mean its is beautiful and I plan on getting it but its out of stock everywhere so I went to the nearest Datablitz and ordered one they will text me when they get one so yes it is worth around 2,200 pesos but I guess its okay so yeah I am excited! here's the trailer for you too see hope If you ever want to join me let's go on quests see you there if ever!

Sunday Morning

I woke up late as usual you know the usual Sunday body clock where I wake up at 10:30 am then again that's pretty early for my standards I would usually wake up at around 11am-2pm. Today I plan just to go with it I just want to catch up with the Fairy Tail weekly recap while reading the books I downloaded about art from Andrew Loomis which I suggest to you if you like drawing. I also plan on going to the Dunkin Donuts cafe near our house it seems nice their and I like donuts. I'll just wait for the day to unfold I'm just gonna start with my drawings and I guess have nothing else to do since I'm not into talking to people even until now.

Hermit mode

Lately I felt that I need to make less contact with people so for the past days I've been trying to distant myself for a while from people I think I need it. I can see why a some introverts like solidarity it's quite nice. I haven't talk much with people unless I know it and blogging has helped me with my withdrawal from my usual social practices. Aside from work I don't interact with people even with my friends I even went as far as deactivating my facebook and twitter  and just settled with watching my movies and anime all night.
Today I had no choice but go to St. Therese Church near SM Masinag so I had to see people I know and interact but what I did was sneaked in with out anyone noticing went to the balcony where the choir was and sung but before the end I got out before them noticing so yeah it was a success. They might get mad for what I did but right now I don't really know how to react to that I just want to be alone in my room and my laptop.

Wizard

I am a Tokusatsu Fan I watch a lot of Kamen Rider and Super Sentai but mostly Kamen Rider and I am starting a new series Kamen Rider Wizard he is the latest installment to the Kamen Rider Series. So far it was good but I could see reused concept then again it is common. First I like his suite It has a mixture of design somewhat similar to Kamen Rider Hibiki and Kabuto but I think they placed together a good design for the suite. The suite also has different mode depending on the element which he is using which is a common trend now in the Kamen Rider universe since it can add extra to merchandising lol. Its theme is more of magic this time which I think is new for the series mostly because it has something to do with technology or ancient warriors I guess I like the Idea its fresh.

The Second one I would like to get into is his catch phrase most rider has a catchphrase like Kabuto which has may favorite catchphrase "I am the man who walks the path of heaven, Ruling you all" but there is also short ones like Fourze "Space-KITAAAAA!! but his is a bit simpler his is "It's Showtime". It has a simple taste and elegant which actually matches the theme of Magic like he is performing.

The transformation sequence an essential part of being a Kamen Rider, you cant be a rider without one, so yeah he has a cool transformation sequence where in the a Seal of Fire Passes through him and transforms him into a rider. In transforming like the rest of the riders he uses a belt but with something special a ring with magic which is new to riders like fourze but fourze uses switches.There is also a catchy Beat when he transforms but I wont post it now It causes my laptop to hang lol. Each element has also a sound when he transform like for fire it sings Hi Hi Hi, for earth its Don Don Don and Wind is Shi Shi Shi reminds me of laughs in One Piece haha.

Let's get into the weapon of choice it has the basic sword but can also transform to a gun which is not really used often. It can perform different finisher as well and has a big hand on the end of it so to trigger the finisher sequence or special attack sequence. The Design is pretty basic it looks like a gunblade but can move from both gun and sword and has a peculiar design for me but I guess its okay.

The enemies has good concept the "Phantoms" where they are born from the despair of people with great magic in them and they call those people "GATES" and here is the good part they DIE! to transform the concept of death hasn't really been used in Riders lately since their trying to tap into the young viewers. When they fall into great despair they start to shatter like glass and a monster bursts out of them. The design for the boss monster are good actually for Medusa and Phoenix but when it came to the first monster it looked okay like they didn't try much on the design but its just the beginning so I'm willing to give it a chance and the minoins looks okay its good their putting the concept back in a more regular basis. Did I mention that   Wizard is also a phantom? Yes it enables him to transform it reminds me of Kamen Rider Faiz

Now for the Finisher her has multiple finisher similar to riders of recent past. Since he has a weapon that can be changed into a gun and a sword he use both as a finisher and it depends on the element which he uses s so yeah that's a lot. Onto the Dragon part where he summons a dragon to fight in Phantoms its like Ryuki in a way and Den-O he needs the bike to control it though since it has the habit of losing control. Now for the rider kick It was okay I guess not as epic as the others but a flaming rider kick is a common used lately but he has his own but it is not so fluid for me it cuts a bit but it was fine I hope it gets better.

All in all I like it I'm giving the series a chance it's still in its 1st episode so I can see it getting better and so hear is the trailer

Confusing thoughts

Lately.. well ever since I have been having problems with the way I think its always split into half. I often say that life is precious and it should be preserve or I often feel acts of emphathy for people but sometimes where in my head its just says the following:

• GO KILL YOURSELF 
• DIE YOU WORTHLESS PIECE OF SHIT
• I THINK IT WOULD BE BETTER IF YOU PEOPLE DIE
• DIE MOTHER MOTHER FUCKERS
• YOU SHOULD JUST DIE
• DROP DEAD AND DIE
• I WANT TO DIE
• WHY CAN'T I JUST DIE
• I HOPE YOU DIE A SLOW AND PAINFUL DEATH

I don't know if its just my true nature or my instincts kicking in. I have been having issues lately and people tend to say that I talk to myself ad stated by a colleague of mine I don't know am I crazy?

Man I post a lot of crap... Haha I really want to shoot something maybe I should join a Gun Club, or try out Archery, or Arnis which I have been itching to join.

Why Sanji is my favorite One Piece Character! *not inculding Luffy*

Sanji a.k.a "Black Leg Sanji" is a chef and a pirate created and is an original character by Eichiro Oda as the Fifth member of Mugiwara Pirates. He joined the Mugiwara Pirates because of Luffy's persistence and  compassion he first appeared in Episode 20 in the anime while he appeared on chapter 43 of the manga. His dream is to find All Blue where east blue,north blue,west blue and south blue and dreams to be able find and cook delicacies from their. Sanji's fighting style where in he makes use of his long legs to fight the Black Leg Martial Art*not so sure about this* and he has a 77,000,000 belly reward on his head. Well so much for introductions here are the Top 5 Reasons Why I love Sanji's Character:

1. He is a CHEF!
-at some point of my life I wanted to be a chef since I love eating I wanted to be a great chef which I admired about Sanji. He can cook almost anything that Luffy brings him that one time he actually had a competition with Zorro in Little Garden where in whoever onecan bring the biggest piece of meat will win which will be used for dinner for him to cook since Luffy loves meat like me and ended up with dinosaur. I'm pretty sure at one point he actually cooked a Sea King

2. His Rivalry with Zorro
-Sanji always had this rivalry with Zorro because they don't really get each other and often leads to the most absurd and hilarious of fights and competition which is normally triggered by one of them usual picking on each others physical appearance and short comings like Sanji's eye brows or Zorro's dirty appearance.

3. His Fashion Statement
His trade mark clothing a formal of a black double breasted suite with tie and long sleeves, buttoned shirts, with pin stripes and varying color. I mean its bad ass and fashionable as well Like how often do you see a guy in a formal suit fight? Well during 1997 it wasn't as common as you think but really I think its pretty bad ass and suites his method of fighting the Black Leg Martial Arts

4. His Fighting Style
Sanji has one of the most unique fighting style you will ever see even though its common to see martial artist character his Black Leg Martial Arts is Different since he only uses his legs to fight with powerful kicks. The guy is practically the best Kicker that can defeated a pacifista with a single kick and can destroy giant rocks. But really his principle behind his fighting style amazes me with the line he once said that the reason why he only uses his legs to fight because his hands were only to be used to create wonderful dishes and to hold and love women. His fighting style actually encourage me to take up martial arts once since I was always so amazed by his techniques Specially his Jamble the one where his legs Light up in a blaze

5. The Perfect Gentleman 
The last but no the least my reason why he is one of my most admired character in One piece, it's pretty simple it has nothing to do with him being one of the three power house of Mugiwara Pirates but his dedication and love for women. He is what you would call chivalrous and a rare gentle man, though he often grovel on beautiful women you can't deny his service and dedication to his pact on being their for every single lady and tries his best to help them even if it kills him like the time he fought the female member of cp9 he wouldn't strike her since she was a lady. I respect him for that I mean the guys almost died of blood loss from epixtaxis due to exposure to a hundred beautiful mermaids but it never stopped him from helping Princess Shirohoshi and though Nami constantly rejects him still he continues professes his love for her. The latest Issue of One piece Chapter 680 it just rattled me and inspired me to make this post..

One Piece 680 art and story by Eichiro Oda

One Day I dream of being able to cosplay him with respect to the character...

Sanji your are epic.... (/o3o)/

Graduation

Today I graduated again. Yes, again I graduated twice in one year! Amazing ain't it? In honesty I just graduated from my training for my call center job so next week we will be hitting the Academy Bay where we apply all that we have learned from our training for a month or so like 1 hour calls each day so basically its like being payed for doing nothing. :")

Well today we got our certification  it was part of the graduation ceremony which was held in our room with only us, sad really right? haha! Aside from our certificates we were given specific awards I was given the "Attention to Detail" Award it basically means I was meticulous in class participated well and noticed even the tiniest detail which I thought was odd since I had a 50/50 consciousness during class since I don't get much sleep at home. Yes, I am a model worker but aside from that I think I did pretty good other got an award Denzel a batch mate mate of mine during college was also given an award for being Mr. Heart throb while our Gay Friend Matty Got Ms. Congeniality award for being the friendliest*semi-bully lol* person all around but she really deserved it he is nice I think?

After work that they went to Timog to drink with our trainer Erwin at Flights me I chose not to drink since I wasn't really in an eager mood to drink since I just wanted to go home and rest since I was thinking about something I didn't even bother going to choir practice to be honest my heart isn't really into anything Right now. I just want to drown myself in work right now and draw stuff but I think I should tone down on my demon and monster themed art.

On another topic I plan on practicing Painting next week! Wish me Luck I will ask pointers from a master tomorrow which would be my friend in animation were gonna watch his own made movie Marianing! :)

What is up?

So yeah Just a day ago something happened to me that normally would rattle me. I was surprised I wasn't that much devastated like I predicted I was actually kind of "okay". If you I could define okay in my standard would be I wasn't mutilating myself which I usually do when I am like this but instead I was just thinking the entire day about work and stuff. I got to thinking maybe I should start a change myself maybe distant myself from familiar people get out of my comfort zone get motivated a bit more than usual. I can tell SHE was a very positive influence a bit for me the thought of her wanted a change in me a bit of improvement cause I don't really see much good if I stay like the way I was. Right now instead of just moping around, slashing myself, or cry and complain I manage to work out harder and work harder I manage to pass my last accreditation and I am graduating from my training at the very least something good came out of it.

Right now I don't know I still think about her every time but somehow I try not too since It might trigger something in me like a breakdown which history proves to be a thing with me. I try to deny it with people asking me how it went I just tell them I got it and I have no planning on texting her which I guess would be the right thing to do so that not to worsen things. I tried coping with it by drawing on the glass board we had at the training room it was filled with ballet dancers and swans with the idea coming from Black Swan where Natalie Portman and Mila Kunis were the lead characters*great movie to watch*. I acted like I usually would with people they didn't seem to notice something was on my mind though it was some what bothering me but not much that it would disrupt my trail of thoughts and sequence of actions.

I really miss her though but she was right I was crossing the line maybe by her standards I mean she is a much delicate person compared to most of the people I know and is used to. I have to rethink what I should do if should progress or stop but it looks like she wants me to stop me on the other hand not quite so I hvae no idea where this will lead to. I try fighting all my entire being not to open my web browser typing in her Blog URL cause she wouldn't want that then again who I am to say that it would be prejudice on my part.

Maybe I should sleep now I still have work tomorrow and I should lessen my habit of staring into the wall it scares people.

Activities right now:
Watching Sgt. Keroro
Studying Kazuma Kaneko's Demonic and Spirit Art Style

PIXIV!

So yes after years of wanting a Pixiv account I finally got one! Really It has been a frustration of min since it has great artist to follow really seeing beautiful art and you have to admit Japanese are pretty good in art and its a good place to observe genuine traditional Japanese art which I don't really know where o look for in the web.

Made me happy so I guess I will practice now since I got a spark of inspiration from seeing this gentle painting of a white swan. :")

MOVIE NIGHT!

Okay so today till the rest of the week is MOVIE NIGHT! Basically all week I have been storing and downloading tons of music,series and movies to watch and listen to here is my list:

• Avengers
• How I Met Your Mother S7
• Dr. Who Season ?
• Lorax
• MIB 3
• Batman Begins
• The Dark Kinght
• Dark Shadows
• Ginatama
• Nurarhiyon no Mago
• Quitedrive
• My Chemical Romance
• Faber Drive
• Up Dharma Down

and yes so much more I will start tonight with Avengers wuhooo! Comic Fanboy! 

I'd rather have fun than just mope around... Funny My day was okay...

A Fun test!

So yeah I learned something new today! I was in training like my usual day it was a fairly long boring day but I manage to pick up something new. This one is kinda like a test it's fairly easy so read the statement below:

HAPPINESSISNOWHERE 

You done? Don't cheat!

The statement can be read two ways it can be either of one:

A. HAPPINESS IS NOW HERE- If you read the statement this way then you are an optimist the positive thinker. You see the light in the darkest of situation example is that we see a storm you see an opportunity to take a bath. You are an unwavering bamboo tree in the midst of the storm and you are able to pull up hope even in the most bleak of moments. If you are this I salute you your are the sun in a stormy day you though its nice you it can cause people to be careless.

B. HAPPINESS IS NO WHERE- If you read the statement this way then you are what they would call a pessimist you are the opposite of the pessimist you put the negative in thinker! You see the worst or what bad could come from a specific situation like when we people see rainbows and unicorns you see a catastrophe that is about to start. It is not necessarily bad you just think of the worst thing possible so that you would be prepared to take it or not feel disappointed though you sometimes bring the rain to the parade. It can be an advantage  though you can be ready for all form of situations but really it can turn you into somewhat of a paranoid.

Okay so that's that! Honestly I was surprised with what I learned but that is up to you to guess so let's leave it at that I hope who ever read this*I doubt that anyone does* learns something new about themselves

seeeeeee......

I am not what you can call religious but I really try my best to be a good child of the Lord because its only him that can look at me with out prejudice. I am a paranoid easily scared person so I realized this was may favorite Psalm 23 a psalm of David from the Bible:

"The Lord is my shepherd; I shall not want.

He maketh me to lie down in green pastures:
he leadeth me beside the still waters.

He restoreth my soul: he leadeth me in the
paths of righteousness for his name's sake.

Yea, though I walk through the valley of the
shadow of death; I will fear no evil: for thou
art with me; thy rod and thy staff they
comfort me.

Thou preparest a table before me in the
presence of mine enemies: thou anointest
my head with oil; my cup runneth over.

Surely goodness and mercy shall follow me all
the days of my life; and I will dwell in the
house of the Lord for ever."

Because of this honestly I can survive in my seemingly somewhat semi haunted house alone all the time...

Bla bla bla

I am sorry for that I have inconvenienced..



PEACE OUT!

Potating.. :D

I was never really good when it comes to talking to.........






.......Don't read......














....girls I got better as i learned form pointers and mistakes I actually reached a point that I can talk to a girl I like easily with out messing up. I haven't messed up like this in a long while no matter how I plan it I just seem to mess it up.

I mean I had the feeling na she could be the one cause honestly i have never been inspired like this, I work harder, I work out everyday to loes weight with in 2 weeks I lost all the weight I gained during the summer, I try practice drawing I was never in this hype before and I could eat vegies now I mean even if I develop problems i would'nt care I had my entire fashion over haul so that I would look good I tried to ask for tips when it comes to courting funny cause I use to give them myself back then it seemed to work for them they have GFs now and are happy feeling ko dun sumisipa yung idea na kaya mong solusyonan sarili mong poblema. Well ayun nga I try not to fight my entire existance na hindi siya kausapin kasi baka maging makulit ako masyado kaso yun. I have never felt this way before for someone I thought I did before kaso as it progressed it got bigger. Di ako tulad sa iba I easily fall for a person but it is never about the looks because I can admire a pretty face and a sexy body but I am never that shallow fine once I did but yeah bad move haha! I also started blogging so that I could have an outlet for all this feelings I contained for her kaso wala rin when I started this I accidentally stumbled on hers I guess. Now She thinks I am an obsessive stalker I don't blame her I mean the way I act when I am around her is weird cause Honestly I am not what you would call normal and I cant act normal around her its near impossible kasi I am afraid and trust me its very hard to act normal when you have adrenaline pumping in your body I stutter when I am in that state I tried to calm down but yes I mean I can't think straight pag nasa stage ka ng fear na panic. She was the only person who made me feel like that and do that the if i was asking someone on date I would feel nervous pero hindi yung ganito ka tindi at number lang hihingin. I read her blog everyday not to stalk you but to understand her I liked listening to hear her talk about herself how she reacts to thinsg because she has a different perception of things her blog made me like her more I realized I chat with her more often cause I felt comfortable with her and without noticing it I pmed her a lot then again I pm people a lot thats why i tend to be annoying sometimes, when I went to school kanina no I didn't know her schedule I was asking around para alam ko san siya pupuntahan then i realized wag nalang I went to school nagbabakasakaling makita nalang siya and if ever makita ko siya ask it I wasn't sure If I would see her if I did sure ask her if not then its fine I didn't go to work that morning because I promised myself I would try to do something rather than just wait there. I am not really good with things I say I am more of a doer but I still suck at that so yes I read her blog about me Its not the first time was told like that she was being honest so Its okay. The time I was with her the one where we went on a mdical mission yes she was there i was happy i didn't expect her to be there since sabi ng friend ko tinatamad siya Honestly I was trying to evade her pero ayun.. and I really really like her pero I just messed it up so yeah I will withdraw.. think about things.. I guess I get to nosy when I care to much haha common remarks sa akin ng mga tao... oh well sorry about this

Please who ever read this please Don't tell her its not a plea or bragging about what I did I just really regret being so insensitive with her feelings patay malisya kasi ako lately na di ko napansin tama pala lahat ng hinala ko... I just really want to spout this out.. By the way kung umabot ka dito di mo binasa yung nasa taas...

Abnormal

Abnormal sa totoo lang sanay na ako sa salitang yan boung buhay ko yan tawag sa akin ng mga tao paulit ulit
di ko madedeny yun kasi at some point talagang abnormal ako kaya siguro di ko magawang tawagin ang ibang tao ng ganun kaya ko silang tawaging sira ulo, tanga, bobo pero hindi abnormal. Nung bata ako wala akong masyadong kaibigan kasi may pagka abnormal daw ako sabi ng kaklase kong si Angelo. Sa totoo lang at somepoint sa buhay ko naniwala talaga akong abnormal ako nung high school ako din yung abnormal yun ang sabi ng mga tao sa akin eh. Sa totoo lang malungkot pagkabata ko kaya siguro ako takot na takot mawalan ng kaibigan at takot din ako sa critism kaya naging nerbyoso ako. Ngaseself mutilation din ako at nagkakaroon ng suicidal thoughts so siguro naniwala din akong abnormal ako then I found people who could understand me people i could call friends pero kahit sila paminsan minsan tinawag nila akong abnormal. Reaction sa akin ng mga taong nakikilala ako for the first time its either bakla ako, sira ulo, o mamatay tao tingap ko na yun self imprinted na sa utak ko na never akong macoconsider na normal. Kanina nga eh tinawag palang ako ng kaibigan kong si Kat na Abnormal daw ako sabay tawa kami sa totoo lang sabi ko tangap ko na yun ganun talaga proud ako. Di ko alam talaga pano umasta ng tama pag may kasama akong isang tao unless mga kaibigan ko kasama ko kasi pareho pareho naman kami pero ako kasi nasa boundary na kung baga. I mess up lahat ng ginagawa ko kasi pag nagpapanic na ako di ko na alam gagawin ko di na maganda trail of thought ko kaya nga if ever may gagawin ako binabase ko sa mga set up na meron sa utak ko at parang mga paths kung ano kakalabasan nito at buhay ko binabase ko sa ibang tao at sa mga pagkakamali ko poblema pero minsan di ako natuto.

Happy day

Today I did what i was set out to do... I woke up around 9:30 then I stood up went directly to the Bathroom and took a bath no breakfast what so ever picked my clothes took my bag and ran outside. Before i could reach the Door my trainer called me whether I was going to come or not I told him I had no plan of coming in today Cause one I had to go to school for the thing I was planning for a while but he was persistent so I had no choice but to cancel my afternoon visit to CSB my friends anifest But i could never pass on my morning Agenda which was to see her and get her number so before I left I texted my friend I didn't get a reply I feel like I disappointed him but the day was still early I was determined! Then I got to school and went looking for someone to hang with while waiting for her but before that I saw that our tarpaulin for our batch so yeah not much in it. I saw ace hanged with him for a while then saw some of my friends it was fun then when I realized they had something for today a preparation for their case presentation yeah okay so this time this is what happened:
Infront of Library Door:
Me: *Takte ang bilis ng tibok ng puso ko at pinagpapawisan ako* kaya ko to!
*pumasok sa door*
Me: Janelle... Nakita mo si Bdette
Janelle: Hindi Duty siya ngayon
Me: ahh sige...

Okay fine so I froze up....

Then I was "WHAT THE HELL MAN!?" I was shaking like crazy...

Then I went back to Ace:
Ace: Where you at man?
Me: I had to do something and FAILED!
Ace: Sure..... What ever that is maybe you can try again?

Which I did try again after about an hour or so so yeah this time this is it
Me: Janelle You want to have lunch?
Janelle: Uhmm.. Kasama ko na sila ehhh...
Me: Ah sige maybe next time.. Pahingi nalang ng number...
Janelle: Bakit?
Me: bakit masama ba?
Janelle: Bakit?
Me: wala lang
Janelle: I don't like to text
Me: Okay lang
Janelle: *typed it in*
Me: naexit ko
Janelle:  typed it in again:
Me: see you around

my ghad di ko alam sasabihin ko kaya ng lame ko nun...
pero ganun talaga then nagway yung dalwang kaibigan ko so i was caught in the middle of it nagalit yung isa sa akin at napaalis ako ng di oras.. ayun nga I was scolded by my trainer.. I failed an exam but It was worth it...


Then Nalaman ko haha! Naayaw pala niya ibigay yung number niya then napilitan lang siya ofcourse sobrang sakit nun ng wagas pero Instead of giving up which I usually do pero Instead I said to myself DI AKO SUSUKO!

Its too early for me to give up.. Ngayon lang ako magkaganito Hindi ako basta bastang susuko...*himala for the first time*

still I failed today but there are other days...

Art?

What is art for you?

For me Art is when you can capture a fleeting moment and immortalize its beauty it in the hearts of many where you can express your self through the medium which you chose may it be painting, pencil, camera, song etc.

This is a picture I drew about a month ago... I wish I could capture more of her beautiful smile...

Scared and Decisive

In a few hours I will make my move whether I burn down or not it is all up to this first move I make..

I hope I see her...

I am scared and conflicted but I have decided..

I have never been this Determined my whole life...

Hair cut

Today I finally had my long postponed haircut I mean I should have had it months ago but I decided that When get my board results I'll have it done. So now I had my hair cut in Makati I can't really pose it since I didn't take a picture of it but I'll go to work with it tomorrow. My mom and tito said it was nice and it suited me so i guess it would be fine. I get my hair done in Bench Fix in Green belt beside Power Mac while Sir June is my stylist or Sir A either one who isn't busy.

I also got to new clothes and pants I got the first one in Vans the other one was in Folded and Hung they fit me well and I was amazed that i can fit on a size 34 pants again. I am trying to have a wardrobe overhaul and try to shrink down in size.

I am excited and scared 2 days to go! :)

Torpedo

I wasn't able to post anything last night I got home late and I felt to lazy to post so rather I bugged a friend on  my FB it was nice talking to someone to get yourself distracted from your thoughts. My thoughts are really bothered lately in a  good way not the bad way the things playing in my head is both are both scary but also the things that make me happy on cases and how scenarios will play out.

Earlier yesterday I was with a friend talking about it my feelings and my thoughts this friend of mine is someone who I can openly talk about this stuff cause she is honest with her feelings on things of which I can do. I have been having problems on expressing my feelings lately about this Special someone which have been on my mind for the past month and a half She keeps playing on my head like a song on replay. She is all I think of but when i am with her I am shaky, my palms sweaty, my heart beat rises, my leg weakens, and I get really really scared. I have never felt like this before I could compare it something before but this one is a bit different cause this one I could actually think positive that I have chance.

I am thinking about every move I make what should I do how would she react everything has been playing on my mind.

Though I find it really difficult I really am what you would term as a "TORPE"... but that will all change I will ask for her number and make my move..

I am scared very but I have decided and I know she is going to be worth it...

The song which i have been listening to the entire night and the moment I woke up

Dreams

What do dreams mean? I woke up today around 7am and remembered my dream i was going to my school looking for someone special I met my friend a common friend with that special someone I asked her where she was she told me she was in the 5th floor and I went there to get her then i woke up. When I woke up I remembered that you can continue your dream if you can go back to sleep Immediately so I tried that went to sleep then my dream went on then I saw her for the 3 time I saw her in my dreams I haven't seen her in 3 weeks almost and I really miss her.. and yes I planned on getting her number finally next week I will take a leave and then finally text her and that's what exactly happened in my dream..

With all honesty I am a fool for her.. even when i'm sad the thought of her makes me happy :)

Missing

I'm suppose to be excited since I got my pay already, got my RN title, and gets to see Marianing my firends animation movie which I ve been waiting for the past 2 years but I am really still missing something.

I'm missing this crazy girl who I barely know but I am in over my head for her...

Straw Hat...

The Image of a Fool is often portrayed by a vagabond by a person who is roaming around with a straw hat and it reminds me of somethings I love which is... One Piece.

"One Piece (ワンピース Wan Piisu^?) is a Japanese shōnen manga series written and illustrated by Eiichiro Oda. It has been serialized inWeekly Shōnen Jump since August 4, 1997; the individual chapters are being published in tankōbon volumes by Shueisha, with the first released on December 24, 1997, and the 67th volume released as of August 2012. One Piece follows the adventures of Monkey D. Luffy, a young man whose body gains the properties of rubber after inadvertently eating a devils fruit, and his diverse crew of pirates, named the Straw Hat Pirates. Luffy explores the ocean in search of the world's ultimate treasure known as the One Piece and to become the next Pirate King. Along his journey, Luffy makes several friends and battles a wide variety of villains, many of whom try to kill the Straw Hats."*according to Wikipedia I go to lazy to explain what it is so I prefer this*

I love One Piece though It wasn't my first anime/manga I can tell you by far it is my favorite. It was created by Eiichiro Oda who was first inspired to be a mangaka because of Akira Toriyama *Dragon Ball ladies and gentlemen* but like every one he started small he became an asistant to many mangakas inculding Honjo Kamatari Rouruni Kenshin*samurai X* then in 1997 made One piece which became a hit and is now running with 67 issues of manga and currently has 679 chapters. I mean Oda is a Genius his characters are interesting, his humor is great and his story is amazing though he leaves most of us hanging most of the time he still manages to deliver by far he is one of my favorite mangakas and hope to meet him someday. 


I started One piece anime in high school I really can't remember when but when I saw it on GMA I got hooked I mean its about a kid who wants to be a Pirate King which is awesome and it is freaken so random he is funny and is head strong and always manages to smile and laugh. Straw hat Luffy/Mugiwara no Luffy/ Monkey D. Luffy, or just Luffy is a great character I admire him a lot no wonder he is so famous and has loyal nakamas*friend/companion*. He has unwavering determination and has a pure heart which i wish I had I really want to be like him since he has the strength to be always be with is friend.
I alos like his ability its very unique for an anime mostly it would be a sword or fire but this guy uses the Devil fruit ability which is the Rubber which he gain by eating the Devil fruit of Gomo gomo no mi mean its a very unique power for a lead character and Oda managed to make it the coolest power to have from extending his extremities or any part of his body into weapon by extending or stretching. He is like the fool he ventures around he has the greatest potential and growth and plus he has a Straw hat!

His Rag tag crew the Mugiwara Pirates a.k.a. the Straw Hat Pirate which started with only 5 grew into a 9 member crew as time went by establishing an epic crew and a lovable family. The First mate the Pirate Hunter Roronoa Zorro the master of a sword style which uses 3 swords, Nami the navigator with power with weather manipulation, Ussop the liar but also the legendary sogeking the king of  sniper, Black Leg Sanji the Chef and also a master of Leg to hand combat which inspired me to take up martial art.Tony Tony  Chopper the Doctor who is a talking dear *yes what other anime has that?*, Nico Robin the former assassin, an archeologist and a survivor of a great incident known as the devil child, Franky the cyborg and also the ship wright and Brook a walking skeleton and is also the musician and a good swordsman, of course we can't forget Going Merry whose death made me really emotional btw she is their ship and now Thousand Sunny made by Franky. Their are so many colorful characters of which I can't even begin to describe from east blue to the vast new world.

I grew fond of them as time goes by and it looks like I wont be leaving this manga anytime soon. their bond as friends amaze me and I admire it so much each character their dream, passion conviction,how they compliment each other and the sacrifices they will do for each other it amazes me even though I know to some people it's just an anime/manga i think it is the best there is.

"I'll do whatever you cannot do. And you do whatever I cannot do!!!"

-Sanji to Ussop

My favorite Dialogue:
Monkey D. Luffy: Robin! I still haven't heard it from your mouth!
Monkey D. Luffy: Say you want to live!!
Nico Robin: To live, I thought wishing for it was forbidden...(starts crying as she flashes back to the numerous people who told her she shouldn't be alive)
Nico Robin: Nobody would allow me that ...(flashes back to Saul telling her that nobody is born to be alone, then to Sogeking telling her to believe in Luffy)
Nico Robin: If... I'm allowed to declare my wish... Then I... I want to Live! Take me out to sea with you!

My Favorite Luffy Line:
-"Are you bastards insane!!? Don't you dare to even dream that you'd survive having the world as your enemy!!!!
Luffy:I'D BE HAPPY TO LIVE WITH THAT-----!!!!"

-Luffy: Make that Flag burst into flame...


One Piece forever! 

Consistency or Annoying?

When does consistency become annoying?

A question I often ask myself I am an annoying person because sometimes I don't know whether I am over doing something like am I caring to much or am I caring to little. I have always had problem with control in limiting.

Really I get this problem most of the time i over step my boundary most often that I drives people away when I try to help I tend to over do it that I reach a point of being nosy and it saddens me I hate that about me. Some times I care to little that in the later run it gives me a guilt trip.

Example right now I like someone but i don't want to drive her away that's why I am being careful but I don't want to over do it so how should I do it...

I often lose my mind because of this so indecisive...

I Hate...

Hate is a strong word using this word at something or someone would be like condemning them and really if I ask you sometimes don't you just love to hate? Man through out history has committed so many horrible things like war because of hate even because of the simplest reason as long as they despised and disgusted something or someone they will act upon it. One of the greatest hate crime committed was the Holocaust during the second world war where Fuhrer of Germany had an order to execute all Jews upon site or captured for mass execution just because he thought of them as an inferior race and hated the thought of them existing in the world he wants.

If there is one thing one can not avoid it is to hate but how we deal with it is important. Usually people would hate simple stuff like if they don't like something food, object or anything else that has caused them a bad experience example if I kicked your birthday cake and called you ugly you could hate me or you don't understand something and it seems to be a threat then it will eventually become hate.

So yeah such a long introduction but like all my post this will be about me and what I hate. I hate most kind of people I just try to understand them mostly I have low tolerance for idiots who acts like they know it asll but knows jack squat, pretentious motherfuckers, but MOST OF ALL I HATE myself.. TADA! what a shocking tiwst of events yes people I hate myself more than anything. You'd be surprise that a warm guy who always smile and tends to laugh like there's no tomorrow could hate himself its simple really it's because I feel like I am a disappointment to myself and as human being. I lived life in different states of life I have been to a low point where I lived in an attic where we barely had room for three to a luxurious life of our own but even at that point I seemed unhappy and at some point still hated what I am.

 I have many insecurities and consider myself as a big failure one would be letting myself go I hate how fat I got when I entered college cause I was to lazy. I AM SUPER LAZY! You would be amazed up to what stat e if laziness i can reach. I am so lazy that I barely opened a book in my college life and would rather sleep all day than open my Bruner, I hated the fact that I can never get rid of this bad habit of mine to always put something off it really bothers me that I could have accomplished more if was a little more responsible.

Second I hate that I am indecisive that I would ask people what I should do it causes me so much inconvenience not only me but also other people I hate being a burden it causes me to panic and causes me to go on full depression mode if my indecisiveness causes our group to fail at some point.

Third I hate my sensitive personality I cry easy but I don't show it to many people I mean even a simple word can make me cry. I mean even those movies i watch like one more chance, and other Bea John Lloyd movies made me cry my eyes out. I know it's a sign of strength but mine i just annoying I cry about the littlest of things but sometimes I can be so heartless that I don't even cry it is like I am crazy.

I hate a lot of things about me it may seem shallow but really it bothers me but this takes the cake I mean when this happen I want to hurt myself actually I did plenty of times I would scratch myself to bleed, cut my wrists, starve myself, bruise my self inflict as much physical pain as possible. Yes, my stubborn hard headed when it comes to someone I like, I never learn from this I had my hearts torn apart and into pieces because my heart doesn't know how to stop my the longest was for 3 years i liked this girl and for some reason my heart just won't give out until I realized there was no point then my first relationship even though it was more of a one sided thing but I kept at it man it annoys me why am I like this. It really annoys me why am I like this when I like a girl though it may shock you that if I really like girl and I mean head over heels I would go text book reaction of a person who is inlove I blush, I have my heart pump out faster, my heart feels heavy, i tremble when I am with her, It's hard to control myself, i say stupid things, I shake, I smile most of the time, I can't take my eyes off of her I mean she the way I feel when I'm around her is like heaven I feel so pathetic.I give in to my emotions often I hate it. But in reality what I hate is hurting other people It makes me feel miserable... I wish I could just die sometimes but I can't dying would only be escaping I deserve to be punished for all the wrongs I have done I have to atone.  I just hate it how my mind works...

hahays I cant feel happy even though payday bukas kasi I miss this person...
 

A Fool's Happiness

What is Happiness? According to Miriam-Webster Happiness Dictionary "happiness" \ˈha-pē-nəs\ is the state of well-being and contempt; or a pleasurable or satisfying feeling or so it say it can be anything really it can take up any form but in truth it is a choice.  When I was A kid I don't remember myself smile much or be happy about something because really I was a kid who you could say didn't have much the only time i would smile was for the camera which honestly i didn't even do often considering we didn't have a camera back then. I was skinny little bug eyed child with a shaved head who rarely played with anyone and the only time I played with other children was when I was in the province where I was with my cousins or with this kids named Patay and Buno *translated to: Kill and Murder* I am serious about the name.

I grew up in the seaside under the care of a nanny,Nanay Oke, that took care of me 24/7 while my mom works for something to feed me with and try and save up for money for my future. Life back then was simple my Tatay Rudy took care of me when Nanay Oke was doing laundry so yeah he was disabled paralyzed waist down but he took care of me in the afternoon where he would make me wooden sword which i would play when I was in the seawall during hot afternoons or during the relaxing sunrise in the Seaport. My life was simple I was a loner most of the times unless with my cousins they were the closest thing I had to a friend. I was into a lot of fights as a child I was often ridiculed because of my fair skin. They often called me names like buaya or Batibot because i was different it made me sad an distant.

Four years of my life I did not know my father because he left us when The times I was born with no contact of what so ever though that's a story for another time. I was left not knowing who he was so basically that gave m some trust issues growing up I was silent, angry, and distant. It affected me in some way but when I finally got to meet my dad and introduced to my dad's family I was pampered to make up for the things they missed as I grew up I know they tried their best but at some point I wasn't really happy because my mom was sad and having a hard time because my lolo didn't want her till it escalated and we left.

Then I drew up in Youngfeild the a place filled with informal settlers and 50% of he crime population of Tacloban City yes It was thrilling yet I still had no friends. My mom didn't want me to play with some of the kids since their parents tend to spread rumors gossips and fights so as much as possible we didn't want to be tangled in that sort of problem so I was left to alone to play with myself though sometimes i try to go out mom would catch me and punish me for it. I still get into fights which sometimes causes me to go home with scars in my face and blood all over.

I never had much to be happy with cause I wasn't contented the only thing that could distract me was power rangers and cartoons. Then I got my brother most of the attention went to him even until now some what he still gets what he wants and I am left to endure with what I have most of the time I try to understand but still a bit disappointed and depressed. So yes it's like a pattern for me I never seem contented with the stuff and when it comes to friends I only had few which was good at lest i know they were honest. At some point I tried to belong to the cool kids but didn't work out I was to different hot tempered and quite and was a bit violent but I mellowed with age. When i transferred in to Sacred Heart School a school filled with rich Chinese descents where my cousin studied I started being more social and talk some more but it was over time i was still shy and was a bit silent till I met my best friend Anthony Stephen C. Yang which was one hell of a guy reckless has a bad mouth and was a great person to be with. I was finally happy with the things It sky rocketed until high school. It was all fun till I met M.R. the very first girl I was crazy about but in the long run I noticed I was just in love with the idea of having a girl friend rather than have a relationship with her it really screwed me up but i learned took me 3 years *Yes yes so sad* it was a learning curve I was more of miserable than happy. Yes, for a pubescent boy being in a relationship dating a girl you like was happiness now I think its stupid because you can be happy even though you're single.

Then I got into a relationship I was a happy little boy then again what did I know about happiness I was watching way to much TV teleserye and thought life was like that but I learned with my relationship with mae my 1st girlfriend that it wasn't all fun and games we broke up in one month she wasn't serious at all while I was I cried like a little bitch but I learned I got together with her again we lasted for 1 year and 8 months my longest run in a relationship. That relationship was more heart aches than happiness It was kind of one sided with me exerting all the effort and we had a some what distant relationship we would see each other for like an hour every month it was difficult but it was happiness for me but like everything else if you tend to get tired you leave it was tiring special we were oceans apart when we were in college. 

In the long run yes I learned that happiness can come from anything from family or people or the little things we just need to appreciate things in a different point of view. Though I am a person who always see the bad things first like I view the worst case scenario and all other scenarios that go with it that is somehow my mind works but i manage to pull off a positive view because if you only see bad things you tend to look hope for a better scenario though its very difficult for me because like I said before I am actually a very negative person who try to stay positive. I see the world as a pile of garbage corrupted and stupid but I still hope that there are good people and it can all be turned around that is how I see the world though sometimes I get tired of trying to see the good in stuff be happy in the worst of cases like right now I am in a difficult spot but I am happy it gets tiring really cause Sometimes I just put up this happiness so that people will not bother me yet beyond all of this I manage to find happiness she keeps me inspired and happy and keeps me sane without her knowing... So what is your Happiness?

Nyahaha thats my post for today Bukas ko na i-edit haha!

The Artist

     Ever since I can remember I have always loved to draw i have this fascination to create things with my hands. I tend to think that the pencil and paper are the extension of my being because with that I can't help but express myself in more ways than one. The way I draw will show you how I am and it often show you how I feel with the strokes, the things I draw, how the character look and many more. I started drawing Superman with a stick figure and a cape that was back when I was 4 or 5 i think He had the Kiss me Knot hair and the S shield in his chest so basically I'm guessing superman was one of my first super hero. 

I can draw as many things as I want and my Mama would say I had a creative mind and I would draw any paper as long as I have a ball pen or pencil even in class I would draw. My inspiration back then was the cartoons I watched it gained my interest and how one day i want be able to become a cartoonist well at some point. I watched Spider-Man then`and it got me more into drawing.I drew him most of the time it was in way difficult for me since I am not really a good though I guess it was because of my obsession with drawing that I developed through repetition. Everyday I would draw something but as I grew old I lost time for it still I draw with most of my inspiration coming from cartoons and anime. Then came Dragon Ball that was what woke me up to the bulky figures and also a step to practicing my accuracy in anatomy though I thought it was good and others seems to think so as well but for some reason I was never satisfied and I kept at it.

Then in Grade 4 in Sacred heart I managed to procure a comic book for 20 pesos it was old It was a 1997 printing of the Spectacular Spider-Man with Ben Reilly as Spider-Man rather than Peter and he was fighting Carnage. That comic book inspired me to make my own comics then it had bad art and story telling and had a bed scene man was I screwed up growing up but because of this first comics I made a friend and this friend bought the comics and now that started a 8 years friendship and till now he still is my best friend. It was nice that my drawing manage to bring me and a friend I would trust and be someone I would spend the happiest moments of my elementary and high school days with. Then came a long Niko this guy was the DEAL! He was Talent built in his hands I mean he could draw, he could paint, he could do anything with any art materials he has and  he was my idol and I also considered his skills as a challenge and at some point I would be able to keep up with him. I was behind him when it comes to talent and really as time went by I was left to eat dust since I wasn't really supported by my parents in my talents as Niko's parents was supportive on his.

Then in high school not much skill developed but I was able to develop the design of my first super hero he was my very own unique design though the ability was loosely based on Sedusa*PPG* but yeah it was twisted and had creatures based on mythology and many more. Then the rest of the years just passed by without me getting much stuff to learn with then 4th year entered we had a Great Teacher who I admired he was both good in English and Arts the only things I was good at in high school world literature and it kept me going but it was mythology that kept me hooked. He taught us how to sketch to basic design and stuff with still life I excelled in sketching and practically sucked when it comes to coloring. I AM COLOR BLIND! ever since i can't color I am the definition of SUCK! when it comes to coloring but Indian ink and calligraphy got me back and hooked I loved making lotus plants and bamboo and roses though lately I haven't done it for years. We also had an art Exhibit which gave me a chance to showcase my work. Then I realized it was near Niko and Kwinkee's work so yeah mine was kinda not so good compared to them. This Year I also got into Manga which Inspired me to be a Mangaka*someone who makes manga* and anime artist but I realized it would be hard if your weren't Japanese so there I had to go and give that up but making mangas were fun so I still continued with the idea. Some of the inspiration i had was from Art attack which I almost forgot I got into wire sculpting and paper sculptures I made monsters though mom threw some of it out and some got lost in the exhibit piece of a an history exhibit.

Then came college I was in nursing granting the wish of my mom this was where I met other people like me FRUSTRATED ARTISTS! That was me and Dru with Allen and JP who also enjoyed to draw but thought if their work inferior to ours hell i though Dru's was far better than mine his art was a style picked up from the artist of Full Metal Alchemist while mine was from D. Gray man with hint of Tite Kubo filled with violence and gore* I have always been fascinated with blood and pain and torture so yeah I am into "weird" stuff*. We had Logic with Sir Lataza or our group would call it ART CLASS! it was fun though we learned new things shared techniques. During this time my inspiration expanded from anime to games and many more I got more into Japanese themed art rather than equal in both western. Then I learned Niko took up animation and in what I saw Niko has improved so much min looked SHIT! compared to his beautiful masterpieces but that didn't let me down I kept trying I read books about it i scoured the internet then i started my obsession with correcting the anatomical anomalies of my drawing. Mostly all I ever did was practice when i had time I posted it on FB t have my friends critique it but i still needed to improve it was never good enough for me but rather sometimes I would quite in the middle of a project since of my temper which I am usually in control of maybe because of my frustration and considering myself as some what of a failure in art. Then finally i was introduced into the idea of digital art and I loved it computer and art together my two favorite things aside from food. basically its much easier to use as a medium but takes time to learn and it would require special tools but at least you won't have to wasted paper every time you would make a mistake. 

I was still in nursing while my brother took up animation he was like me and though openly admitted he was not as good as me and referred to me as one who helped him learn I still get annoyed by the fact that he got to took up a course that is related to art. I kept learning though I still teach him and he imparts his learning to me as well we traded information and techniques but sometimes we tend to disagree and he can be a know it all sometimes. It work to my advantage though I manage to learn new stuff unlike the last time I looked at it as an opportunity to learn some more. Then I came into the comic band wagon the buff and heroic unlike the anime of fantasy and pretty boy but i didn't regret it because somehow drawing anime is fun but can limit your potential for growth as an artist you set yourself confined to them. People thought of my drawing as okay since they aren't as into comics as I am they see my work as too buff and dirty since I use sketch and i tend to be dirty when working still I manage to improve time after time i improved so much in a span of 1 year still not enough though compared to Niko but he inspired me he was my Idol I wanted to be like him an one man animation production team with his vicious Marianing which took him 2 years and thousands of paper to finish but it was worth it i guess he was a Filipino talent i could be proud of. I met people like spike my brothers friend who's father is a national artist his works are godly if you ask me. Then it inspired me I want to bring back the Filipino comics like what Gerry A. a marvel ink artist and a comic book writer did with a 9 page Darna fan comic he is Filipino by the way and he is also mister Rape face in the internet. I want to gather my friends to bring the Pinoy Komiks back to life that is my dream or draw batman or my original character Gorgon* I made him when i was 8 he by the way kills his enemies* and as of now I don't know my tabetha broke*pen tablet* so I'm having a hard time practicing digital art so I have to do pencil drills and practice kazuma kaneko..* i love his art he is the artist of shin magami tensei and most often are based on different Norse, Indian, eastern mythology* Now I keep practicing hoping one day I will become good enough to be considered a real artist who can color.

I will sleep now I still have work later 9am and ist already 1:30 am goodnight Imma post again tomorrow

The Fool

This will be my very first blog entry honestly I don't know how to really blog but I'm willing to try something that won't kill me as this so if you don't min kindly bare with me. I am not really what you would call one who a noticeable person I am often ignored more often than you think and I don't mind this except sometimes it affects my chances in stuff i want to do.

 I am an art enthusiast though I may not look like it because honestly I look like a thug who is always ready to pounce and fight and often mistaken for a bad guy or sometimes a snob with all honesty I am not though I tend to be full of prejudice but try to reject the idea that runs through my head. My thoughts stuck in my head is an array of chaos it is not really organized my trainer at work told me that my thoughts processes fast and it leaves with being unable to completely express in a complete sentence what I want to say and often spurts out words that tend to be inappropriate or out right stupid. I am always troubled because of my thoughts many people see me as a happy person but as the saying goes "The are two sides of a coin" i may smile always but that's because it scares people or rather worry them so I put a facade of smile and happiness but in truth there are a lot of stuff that haunts me.

I am a FOOL because what i believe will be often regarded by people as mere idealistic rather than realistic I am attracted to the idea that there is always good in people and there is always room for change because i believe that the idea "Change is the Nature of Life". I carry this Idea with me all the time probably the reason why I was able to put up with my college major which is Nursing but really I have no intentions of being a nurse in the beginning it was just some ploy to keep my mom and dad happy while I help people and  get a chance to study abroad and study art I want to be a concept artist like Kazuma Kaneko or an Comic book artist like Greg Capullo, Steve Dikto, Tod Macfarlane and many more but i had to keep up with the pace of nursing so rather i had a hard time improving my skills.

A hero is always what i wanted to be that is why i resort to hero worship to establish an identity that I can always keep sane and be a hope to other like what Superman and Spider-Man is despite all that may come or problems that may come their way but with all honesty I AM ALWAYS AFRAID! Though it doesn't stop me from being trusting with people sad is sometimes I feel betrayed but lately it hasn't happened which is good but I have been left before people might not get it since I don't rally tell them that rather I distract them with trivia's jokes and my happy antics which often makes me feel like I am a liar. I keep smiling no matter what and tell people you can endure anything if you just keep smiling and change your view on stuff yes it does work for me but not all the time specially when I get my heart broken not just by people I am romantically inclined with but also with people I trust which is might also be the reason why I never want to fail anyone even to an extent where in it can cause me devastation or even left me to state of nothingness. Sometimes i feel like a hypocrite because of things I tell people but rather than doing nothing I try to cheer them up with words I have learned through the years that I use to say to myself.

I am a fool simply because I would put other peoples happiness before me it can be seen in the way I act and often present myself to help all the time. My mindset is that if a can make people happy I can be happy but at the end of the day it leads to what I want and sometimes my decisions disappoint me like why couldn't I just bear with it I'd rather see other people than see myself happy why can't it just go that way. I mean why can't I just be happy when other people happy but sometimes I think myself as fake thinking like. You will notice that there are a lot "I"s in this blog which often makes me think I'm just a selfish person trying to convince myself that doing the right thing to do is the way to be happy rather it could just be to satisfy some kind of narcissistic hero images. 

I am a fool because I like to always blame myself for everything because one thing I don'y really like blaming other people cause that's just some poor excuse to not be responsible for the problem at hand, second is I was there I could have done something instead I just stood there, and last cause maybe somewhere in my heart I have difficulty in trusting others or maybe I take it so that others won't. I like to bare the problems in the world in me thinking that I CAN HANDLE THIS! but really more often than not it overwhelm me and like said before I tend to get my hero idealism that I can uphold this with my morality and sanity still intact.

In reality I am not always like this and this is what I am scared of the most like I said that everyone has two sides like a coin the other side could be cold, uncaring, and selfish which is one thing I never want to be but sometimes I cant help but be this person it sends me spiral of depression and this happens more often than people think since most of the time I just smile nod and laugh.

I've always wanted to tell people this but I am to scared of how they will react towards this my personas helps me compensate in dealing with this world cause when it comes down to all I CAN'T TAKE REJECTION really and it will torment me and haunt me over and over and maybe because of the reason i tend to be over emotional but that is for another story. All in all I am a person that is an open book but with many hidden chapters in my life and I hide it with smiles and cheerfulness sometimes even beer won't make me speak about this stuff. I guess that's all for today It sounds kinda winy but really sometimes It tends to be Don't even get me started with my inferiority complex and my temper. Sometimes I can't manage my personality its often in shambles and it conflicts with one another but I guess because I tend to be a fool but like the fool I think I can be something in the end but the hard part is the negativity that comes with it.